They Don't Need Us Men Anymore
By James Chapman on 16 Feb 2006
So the girlfriend caught me watching porn earlier this week. Again. And she wasn't happy. It wasn't just that it was oh-so-romantic Valentines day coming up, it was more a general scathing blanket judgement on pornography and my relationship with it. I tried to reason with her, but all the evidence seemed to be against me.
'I watch porn just for the humour, ok? What? Me? Get off on it? Noooooo, no, no. I just watch it because it's, uh, funny. And often impressive. I don't get aroused by it. As if.'
'But you've got over 50 films in your 'My Account' list on this Strictly Broadband site.';
'Yeah? What of it? You seriously think I get turned on by watching 3 hot blondes fondle, lick and suck each other? That watching multiple gangbangs where a cute Thai girl is taken in all holes arouses me? That bukkake shots make me tingle in my special place?'
Needless to say, I didn't win my case. And with the most romantic day of the year fast approaching, I decided to make it up to her with a charming gift. Somehow, I ended up in a sex shop. I have no idea what happened. I may have thought it was a...er...jewellers.
Anyway, this particular sex shop was aimed more at the ovary possessing end of the market. As such, there were a lot less pictures of a cheerleader giving a dead-eyed, over lip-glossed smile as three distinctly threatening penis' spaffed over her distressingly youthful make-up.
And a lot more books with titles like 'The smouldering milkman';, 'The complete sexual woman';, 'How to tell a naked man'; (obvious, surely...) and '302 sex games for bad girls';.
There were also various outfits for both genders highlighting (a) women look amazing dressed up. (b) men look fucking stupid dressed up.
And there were dildos.
Oh yes.
There were a lot of dildos.
A lot lot.
A loooooooooooot of vibrators.
A massive wave of fake phalluses all standing to attention like a troop of coked up squaddies. Only the vibrators looked slightly less like penises. The dildos came in a whole array of different sizes, colours, speeds, firmness. It was almost hypnotic.
'Hello, sir.';
'Ahhh!';
'Sir?'; A perky looking Asian shop assistant had materialised by my side.
'What? Hello? What?';
'I see you were looking at our selection of Rampant Rabbits.';
Was there a way out of this? I couldn't exactly deny it. Perhaps if I pretended to be blind. No, that never worked.
'Um. Yes?';
'Well we have new ones on the market now...'
Oh dear God, she's sales pitching me. Why does this always happen to me?
'This Platinum for example is much quieter than the original and also has a much stronger pulse.';
She was looking at me. What did she expect me to say? 'Um. Good?';
'It has multiple removable clitoral stimulators. See? It's very popular.';
'Um. Yes?';
Now this one is our 3 way. It's got clitoral and anal stimulator sections. On the anal stimulator the ears flap back.'; Oh Christ. I don't want a pretty Asian girl talking to me about anal stimulation during my Valentines shopping. Stop her! Do it!
'I think that might be a bit presumptuous of me.'; I said, hoping for a reprieve.
'Maybe,'; she laughed. Good! Now run! Run!
'Now this one'
Fuck!
'Um. Yes?';
'This one is our new thrusting blue model. It really hits the vaginal wall for maximum pleasure.';
Love, I've known you all of 4 minutes. Please stop talking about vaginal walls.
'It also has the rotating beads and obviously the clitoral stimulator.';
Oh obviously.
'Here feel that.';
She said pushing the thrusting blue cock at me.
'Feel the power?';
'Um. Yes?';
And I did! A rotating, thrusting, multispeed mass of fleshy pleasure tool. I felt very intimidated. I wouldn't WANT girls to have these things. They get me in bed and expect the same! Any girl would be most disappointed; 'Where are the love beads? The vibro speed? The multi-headed clit stim?'; Christ. I'd have to make my dick bionic to keep up.
The girl took the Rabbit from me. What next, I thought. A spurting one for 'Extra realistic messiness?'; But in this one the jizz tastes like chocolate! Or jam! Multi-tasteal cum sprayer! Or you can fill it with cleaning fluid to wash down your snatch when you're done! Perhaps one that pops out a lit cigarette for that post coital fag? One that fetches things from high shelves? Where will it end?
Fortunately she'd finished pointing out the inadequacies in my own equipment (What? Doesn't it even glow in the dark?) and moved on to Rabbit gift bags. I quietly and desperately waited for an opening, occasionally inserting 'ums';, 'yes''; and 'goods'; where appropriate. I may have managed a 'Gosh';.
Finally I saw my chance to escape when her colleague came to ask her something. Probably about the thrust to spin ratio on the new 'Rampaging 4000'; (comes with pre-written break-up letter for your boyfriend!). I thanked her from her help.
I grabbed and bought the first non dildonic thing to hand, which appeared to be a nicely packaged leather lingerie set. And then I fled. Again.
My Valentines gift turned out to be a rather scary looking spanking implement. Whoops.
Ohhh yes, I'll be watching porn again tonight.
